Jokes

Why does the chosson crack the glass at the wedding?
Because it is the last time he is putting his foot down.

A religious man and a chaver hakneses were walking together. The chaver haknesses was not nice to the religious man so he wanted to tell him off. He told him, three beings complained to Hashem, the alyah revii. alenu and a mamzir. The revii was complaining that people don’t consider it important. Alenu was complaining that people run out and the mamzir was complaining that it is not his fault. Each was repaid. The revii was placed in the shira and alenu in Rosh Hashono and Yom Kippur musaf prayer.
Asks the chavrei knesses what about the mamzir? Answers the religious man, he was made chaver haknesses.

Wikipedia has a page called “Category:Positions within the British Royal Household.”
It’s not a joke, but it might amuse you.

Why can’t you have a dry שלום זכר?
צריך ביאור.

From an AI’s attempt to generate CNN headlines (real):

Why the Stock Market is Trying to Get a Lot of Money
The US China Trade War is so Middle Class
Bank of the Stock Market is Now Now the Biggest Ever
The Best Way to Avoid Your Money
How Much You Need to Know About the New York City
How to Make a New Tax Law for Your Boss
The Stock Market Market is the Most Powerful Money
Goldman Sachs is a New Super Bowl
Facebook is Buying a Big Big Deal
Why Apps in the Country
5 Ways to Trump on Chipotle Industry is the Random Wedding
Premarket Stocks Surge on Report of Philadelphia Starbucks Starbucks Starbucks

Companies behaving badly:
Walmart Grilled With a New Leader in Murder Tech
Coca-Cola is Scanning Your Messages for Big Chinese Tech
Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone
Should I Pay My Workers
Amazon is Recalling 1 Trillion Jobs

Surreal:
Star Wars Episode IX Has New Lime Blazer
Mister Rogers in Washington
Black Panther Crushes the iPhone XS and XS Max Max
How to Build a Flying Car Car
You Make Doom Stocks
The Fly Species Came Back to Life
India Gets a Bad Mocktail Non Alcoholic Spirit
How to Buy a Nightmare

“Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone” is something that could potentially make sense.

Courtesy of Dan of DansDeals:
Q: What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names.

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

Leah phones her husband at work, “Issy, do you have time for a chat?”
“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”
“But this won’t take long,” Leah says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Issy, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well.”